I had something of a revelation today. It is ultimately no surprise, as I quite literally asked for it last night.

The Lord revealed to me my Greatest Sin.

By “Greatest Sin,” I mean, what is my biggest stumbling block? What temptation do I most easily succumb to?

I don’t know if there’s a specific Biblical word or phrase for it but, for me, it’s isolation.

It never occurred to me before today to class it as a sin, but if sin is what separates you from God, then, for me, isolation is it.

What made me realize that this was my sin was that I’ve been increasingly withdrawn and spending more and more time alone over the past year. Now, I certainly needed a vacation, but we’re well beyond that point now.

I was driving my car, taking a long route to just keep moving rather than sit in traffic, and the thought came to me:

“It is not good for man to be alone.”

That repeated several times, and a few more related thoughts emerged:

“We shall make a help-meet for him.”

“Male and female created he them.”

“Whenever two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.”

The thoughts continued:

“If I never spoke to So-and-so again, would I regret it? Say they died tomorrow and I lived another forty years. Regret that choice? I most certainly would.”

I then realized that this level of isolation is Satanic. I had a brief flash of rage at what my parents did so many years ago, but I quickly regained my footing–if not led back to the path I was on. My parents, unfortunately, laid some deep foundations for these temptations, and Satan used that experience to his benefit.

Regardless of what my parents chose, I have been and still am making my own choices in this regard. I’ve chosen to remain isolated, to increase my isolation. Evil doesn’t force you, it entices you. It seduces you.

Then something rather wonderful happened.

I realized that this was My Greatest Sin. That is, it is my stumbling block. It renders me helpless. I fall to its temptation all the time. And it is what is keeping me separated from God.

I felt pain, joy, and gratitude at this realization. I realized that my Greatest Sin was being revealed to me for my benefit. It’s why I need Christ. Only He can heal these wounds; only He can help me out of my sin.

Were I to attempt to master this without God, I might make some progress, but the reason I’m doing so is in order to avoid misery. I’ve lived over forty years at this point, and I have tried many, many things. Nothing has really worked.

It’s even more of a joy for me because it’s an answer to prayer. “Be careful what you wish for,” they say.

Indeed.

Now, yes, I have many other shortcomings, just like everybody else. I doubtless have several Great Sins, if not many. But, from where I currently stand, I finally understand at forty what I did not understand at fourteen:

I am helpless in my sin. I cannot perform my way out of it. I cannot compensate for it. I cannot make up for it.

All that I can do is give myself to God, have Him pay, and live in pursuit of His glory.